Mouse & Mogul Marketplace

Blog

  • Looking Ahead To Year End: Our Outlook

    As we approach the final quarter, Mouse & Mogul remains bullish. Our order book is full, our vendors are happy and the Chairman has recently discovered a new patch of sun in the west wing. We forecast revenue growth of 22 percent for the coming year and a modest rise in the number of staff who come to work on time.

    We thank our customers for their support. We thank our vendors for their imagination. And we thank the mice themselves, without whom none of this would be possible, and with whom none of this would be sensible. The bell rings again at nine.

  • Hedge Fund Alert: The Big Short On Laser Pointers

    Trading desks across the floor are buzzing with rumours that a large hedge fund has taken a significant short position on the laser pointer market. Analysts say the sector is overvalued, overhyped and, crucially, inaccessible.

    We spoke with Biff, who is long on lasers. ‘The dot always comes back,’ he said. ‘It’s the only investment that runs away from you and is still the best one I own.’ Our own view is cautious. A dot you cannot catch is a dot you cannot sell, and we recommend that clients stay in mice, which can at least be dropped.

  • Bonus Season: Distribution Of Treats

    As the year end approaches, the Marketplace is pleased to announce its annual bonus distribution. Eligible staff will receive a bonus of between two and nine treats, based on performance, seniority and how recently the Chairman noticed them.

    This year’s top performer, trader Biff, will receive a full tin of mackerel and a star on his desk. The bottom performer, analyst Cecil, will receive a smaller tin and a stern note. Cecil has argued that his result was due to a hidden mouse. The Chairman has told him that the hidden mouse is a metaphor, and that metaphors are not bonuses.

  • Boardroom Etiquette: Who Sits Where

    Following several complaints, the board has issued new guidelines on boardroom seating. The head of the table belongs to the Chairman. The seat to his right belongs to the CFO. The seat to his left belongs to whoever arrives first with a snack.

    The table itself is not to be sat on, except by the Chairman. The window ledge is open to guests. Anyone seated in the wrong chair will be quietly asked to move, then loudly asked, then asked by Margot, which is the final stage. We thank all attendees for their cooperation and their fur.

  • Halloween Collection: Spooky Assets

    The Marketplace is delighted to announce its Halloween collection, featuring a range of themed mice for the collector who wants a little fright with their dividends. Highlights include the Vampire Mouse, with tiny felt fangs, and the Ghost Mouse, a white sock with eyes.

    Prices start at 6 dollars and rise to 55 for the Pumpkin King, a hand carved wooden mouse with a candle holder in its stomach. All items are certified spooky by an independent panel of one black cat. Purchases made before 25 October include a free bag of ‘witch’s hair’, which is a bag of wool.

  • Third Quarter Results: We Made Some Money, Probably

    Mouse & Mogul reports third quarter revenue of 52,700 dollars, an increase of 28 percent on the previous quarter. CFO Pennywhistle called the numbers ‘encouraging, if you squint’. Net profit was 6,100 dollars, after adjusting for the cost of one lost brass mouse.

    • Active vendors: 62, up from 51
    • Average sale: 31.50 dollars
    • Customer satisfaction: 88 percent

    The Chairman described the result as ‘a victory for capitalism’, then asked what capitalism was, then asked if there was cream in it. The next report will be published in January, subject to the CFO locating her glasses, which are in the Chairman’s bed.

  • Market Correction: Several Items Fell Off The Desk

    The Rodent 50 fell sharply this afternoon, shedding 7 percent of its value after a pen, a stapler and four mice were knocked from the Chairman’s desk. Analysts are calling it a market correction. The Chairman is calling it ‘a bit of a mess’.

    Trading was briefly suspended while the items were retrieved from beneath the radiator. Seven of the eight were found. The eighth, a brass mouse of considerable value, remains at large. We have offered a reward of 20 dollars to anyone who can locate it, and a formal apology to the floor.

  • The Power Lunch: A Field Guide

    The power lunch is the beating heart of any deal. At Mouse & Mogul, lunch is served at 12:30 in the boardroom, and consists of a silver platter of sardines, a bowl of cream and a stern look.

    Key rules: never order before the Chairman, never eat faster than the Chairman and never be seen to enjoy it more than the Chairman. Business should be discussed only between courses, in quiet voices, and ideally with half closed eyes. Deals struck over lunch tend to be favourable, as the other party is often asleep before the dessert.

  • Compliance Corner: Know Your Customer, And Know Your Dog

    Mouse & Mogul takes its compliance responsibilities seriously. Under Marketplace Rule 14, all customers must be identified, verified and, where possible, sniffed. We remind vendors that dogs are not eligible to open accounts, regardless of their stated intentions.

    Suspicious activity should be reported to the Compliance Officer, a stern grey called Margot, who sits in a high window and observes. Reportable events include large transfers of tuna, unexplained mice in handbags and any customer who asks for a receipt for something he has already eaten. Margot has the final say, and she will deliver it with her eyes.

  • Golden Parachute For Departing Analyst Hamish

    After four years on the trading floor, analyst Hamish is leaving to start his own firm, Hamish & Associates, a one cat operation based in a shoe box. The Chairman has granted him a golden parachute worth six tins, a pocket watch and an unopened fish.

    Hamish will be missed for his sharp eye, his steady hand and his ability to look serious while falling asleep. His desk has been reassigned. His chair has not, as it has become a minor shrine. A farewell cake was prepared and promptly lost when the staff held a vote on who would test it.