Category: Market News

The Rodent 50 fell sharply this afternoon, shedding 7 percent of its value after a pen, a stapler and four mice were knocked from the Chairman’s desk. Analysts are calling it a market correction. The Chairman is calling it ‘a bit of a mess’.

Trading was briefly suspended while the items were retrieved from beneath the radiator. Seven of the eight were found. The eighth, a brass mouse of considerable value, remains at large. We have offered a reward of 20 dollars to anyone who can locate it, and a formal apology to the floor.

Catnip futures slid 9 percent this week, amid reports of an oversupply in the north garden and a rumour that a neighbour had planted more. Traders on the floor were seen pacing, grooming and, in one case, lying face down on a keyboard.

Our advice: do not panic. A bear market is merely a bull market that has gone for a lie down. The Chairman has authorised a buyback of 40 pouches at 2.20 dollars each, and expects the price to recover once the neighbour is distracted. If you hold catnip, hold it. If you hold it too hard, wash your paws.

Investors have long asked for a benchmark to measure the performance of the toy mouse sector. Today we are proud to launch the Rodent 50, an index tracking the prices of the 50 most heavily traded mice on the Marketplace.

The index opened at 1,000 points and closed at 1,034. Leaders included Gilded Whisker’s Platinum Mouse, up 6 percent, and a wool grey in a pinstripe waistcoat, up 4. Laggards included a felt mouse whose tail came off, down 14 percent. The Rodent 50 will be updated at 9:00, 12:30 and whenever someone knocks it over.

Good morning, gentlemen, and ladies in good coats. At precisely 9 a.m. this morning, Chairman Reginald Vandersnoot III rang the opening bell on the new Mouse & Mogul trading floor, using a brass handbell he had purchased at auction for 340 dollars.

Volume in the first hour was brisk. Plush mice rose 2.4 percent. Felt mice fell 1.1 percent on news that a vendor had been seen chewing on his stock. Desk toys were flat. The Chairman declared the day a triumph, then fell asleep in his chair, which the market interpreted as a sign of confidence.